Wednesday 12 December 2018

How I found myself in 2018

Metaphorically speaking, I always knew I was there. Somewhere probably under a big white duvet with her cat, over thinking about the world. But I was there. I've come to terms with myself this year, and admitted a few truths to the mirror image along the way. It's allowed me push the other person to the left a bit and be ok with it. 

English please?

I don't remember much of the first few months of the year. I've had anxiety and panic attacks (mental ones where I'll over think, cry and not sleep or eat etc etc) since I was 12. You either get used to them, or you don't. They've gotten worse this year, but so has my coping I guess. I know when I'm being an idiot and rewinding my problems again and again. I qualified in something which I'll go on to later, but of which taught me about the 90 second rule of anger which I agree works with panicking too. It takes 90 seconds for something to happen, a trigger, for your body to emotionally respond and then stop responding. If you then rethink about that trigger, it'll go around and around until you make that decision to stop. I need to let that 90 seconds happen if it comes, and learn to keep it at 90 seconds. Idk, like stick on a cat video or something at 87 seconds and see what happens.

Anyway, I've admitted to myself that I have a problem. It was today actually that I looked at myself and said "God you need help" as I panicked over the most stupid of things. 2019, I intend to see someone or do something, because it's bloody hard to deal with sometimes. 

April saw my first big holiday since I was tiny. Cyprus for 10 days with dodgy wifi and family I miss daily, was both the best, and worst time of the year. I love my cousins dearly, but being sunstroke and  sick in the vile beach toilets whilst I could barely bend down to reach because I'd burnt my entire left leg and hip area on the first day, wasn't a highlight if I'm honest. Oh, and that wifi. God bless the UK's 4G.


I met Jay in June (or the end of May, either one). There was a literal list of things that we clicked on, like being too hungry that you're not hungry anymore and innuendos or dad jokes left, right and center. We became a pair in June and he's given me some fab friends that are certain to get Christmas cards this year. We've all booked a holiday in the new year and I may or may not have started to plan my travel content already (hint: I have). 

November saw my qualification of a sort of mental health/therapist person of which has helped my own self esteem and confidence in everyday life shoot up like never before. I actually did a presentation, unlike my first try at uni where they asked me to present and I ran straight to the office to quit. On the topic of university, I'm now halfway through my second year and haven't ran away yet. What a result. My birthday was the best I've had. As much as I'm an introvert, around my cousins and pals; I love the attention, so big fancy parties are always a thing. This year I decided to take everyone ice skating, an activity which I'd tried once before and can safely say I cannot do. Period. A few weeks beforehand I tried to reserve a table at a bar that everyone liked, but as a poor woman, couldn't afford the deposit. The bar kindly put us on the guest list nethertheless and I thought nothing of it. The evening came around and I was shocked to find out that one of my 'surprises' from one of Jay's pal's girlfriends (ie now my new friend hello) had paid the deposit for the table and bought a big drinks package for the four of us. An ANGEL.

It's now December. Most of the presents are wrapped and I'm looking forward to finishing work next week, and just drinking hot chocolates all day in bed. I'm looking forward to 2019 too. I have my very first brand meeting in the first week with a company that I LOVE, and the holiday too. I'm nearly at the 'big' 5K on Instagram which has been my goal for a few years, and I WILL get it by midnight on the 31st. I will. I'm having the best time of my entire life and for the first time, I truly feel like I'm present in it. 

To 2019.

1 comment

  1. I will have to try the 90 second method. I too often suffer from anxiety, and can identify with wanting to get back under the covers.
    Kudos on being successfully halfway through your second year at uni.
    It sounds like things are looking up.
    Best wishes for the continued overcoming of anxiety and a happy, healthy, and successful year 2019!!!


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